dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
