you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
