What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
