If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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