we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So apparently I’m into choking now
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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