he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
