she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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