he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
