You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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