I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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