That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
