The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
