I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
