I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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