Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
