batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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