I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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