i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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