so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize