Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
