in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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