You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sext me about skeletons
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
