Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
