I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
