DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
