it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
