In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
People in love make me want to vomit
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
