woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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