please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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