if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
