my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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