I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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