I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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