i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
