If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
