my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
