Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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