alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
