Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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