Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Jerry, you need to find god
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
