If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
