Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
