The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
