yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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