you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
