My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
