I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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