I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
