I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
