New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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