I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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