Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
