She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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