I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
