If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
